I’ve had this undercurrent of sadness for the past week or so – probably longer if I link it back to the sadness I felt at the end of winter break in January. I’ve been trying to name it as I go. I’m feeling pretty sad today. I don’t know if it helps me to do that, to articulate it to others around me. But I do it anyway. I think it’s because I’ve been trying a different approach this time – trying to strengthen the practice of noticing but not judging. Or dwelling. Or solving. Just noticing.
This is different from the normal swing of emotions that I might feel on any given day. I still feel that range. It’s in addition to those feelings – this undercurrent is a steady thrum just under the surface, and doesn’t really dissipate. It might be somewhat seasonal, and I’m sure it’s also tied into the transition back from four to three in our house. Could I pin in on stress? Maybe. Too much caffeine, not enough sunshine, too much sitting, not enough sleep? I’m always tweaking things towards balance, and finding more when I start to feel not enough, or seeking less when I start to feel way too much. February isn’t my favorite month, although I do find energy in the brief glimpses of thawing and new growth. And there is something calming about the reminders (snow, ice, cold) not to rush the seasons, to let them be what they need to be in my body and my mind and my heart.
We have a lot to look forward to in the upcoming months. There is more than enough to keep us energized and busy and renewed. I know this sadness will lift again – it always has – and I’ve learned to trust that and to believe it. The sun is shining, the weekend is here, and I’m just feeling a little sad right now.